Sunday, April 24th, 2011.
Hi, it’s been a while.
2 months and 22 days since my last blog entry. During that time period, I was actually recovering well enough that I didn’t need to pour it all out to feel better. In fact, I was actually happy. Going to bed without feeling down, and waking up in the morning, looking forward to the day. Ah, everything was good.
But I’ve brought myself down yet again. Took a plunge down that same path, thinking, “I can handle this.” Tripped over the same wire and triggered the same trap. Now I’m dangling from the same thread, and suffering..almost the same pain. I don’t know why I did all that. I don’t know why I didn’t listen to that one voice inside me saying, “Don’t do it. It’s dangerous. Get out of here.” I don’t know why I thought I would be tough enough to handle it. This is way too much for me.
Wednesday, February 2nd, 2011.
Might as well put a big neon sign on your forehead saying, “LOOK AT ME!!”
You complain, act like it’s casual pain, but all you’re seeking is that one person’s attention. Bitch, just shut the fuck up. Why do you have to make it all so dramatic and public? It’s like you want the whole world to know, but when the wrong person worries, you just bitch, bitch, bitch. All I’m trying to do is help you best in your situation, but your fucking ignorance and stupidity and big head won’t accept me. Believe it or not, I speak the truest of the true.
“But Tumblr is a freedom of speech.” Sure, then what entitled you to judging me by my posts and then going right off the bat, like so? I am quite frankly aware of my own feelings, more than anyone else is. It’s especially the others that don’t know what the fuck is going on.
Thursday, January 13, 2011.
How stupid of me.
I took this shot for you, because I believed in you. I believed if I could just open my heart up, just this one time, no damage would be done, and there would be nothing but happiness. I shouldn’t have. The damage is done and can’t be taken back. And now I feel..so stupid. So worthless.
“Forever.” I stopped believing in that word long ago, but somehow, you brought it back. I got my hopes up for nothing, it’s ridiculous. Even with knowing the fact that nothing is forever, I still believed..you would be mine until the end of time. How wrong I was.
I don’t know if you know this but..It hurts. It really does.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011.
Please.
Stop pretending like you care, when you really don’t. It hurts more than anything else when you do that. I’m really not unique; just another girl, right? So stop. What are you waiting for? My approval for you to carry on? Since when did I imprison you? Go. Let yourself run free. Chase after your desires. But most of all, stop wasting all your time on me. Please.
I love you, but please don’t waste your time pretending to care for a dying person. Let’s all redirect our energy somewhere else..
Friday, January 7th, 2011.
Quoth Linkin Park— “I’m holding onto what I haven’t got.”
This is so stupid, how I’m wasting so much time on this. It’s like I hardly even have a choice. Like how the planets revolve around the sun, my world seems to revolve around you. Every morning, I wake up because I want to just see you. That doesn’t always come true, but my hopes keep me going. This is so stupid, I know. It’s not like you would even care if you were my motivation, anyway.
But dang, I hate how you pretend to care, when you really don’t. You’re trying to let me down easy, not because you really want to, but because you don’t want to look like a jerk. Yes, I found out. Shocked? You shouldn’t be. Never underestimate my abilities. Don’t test them, either.
I wonder if you know what I’m going through. I wonder if you can see the pain in those eyes of mine, the ones that no longer twinkle whenever our eyes meet. I wonder if you can sense how my blood runs slow and cold, now that it isn’t fueled by happiness. I just wonder if you know I’m suffering..
You probably don’t, with your back always turned to me. Thanks a lot.
Wednesday, January 5th, 2011.
Not a great start to a new year.
I’m devastated. I thought some miracle would save me from falling into this dungeon. I thought that miracle would be you. You are my miracle. The one who saved me from the brink of breaking down and giving up on life. You were like a peek of light on my darkest hour. Now, that light is gone.
I guess..this is the feeling of missing someone. I really do miss you. I miss talking to you, that always made me smile. I miss your arms around me. You gave me a source of comfort. I miss our kisses. The ones that gave off that soft, “I love you,” feeling. I might not get all of that back, but I just wish you knew I’m here for you, and that you would do the same for me.
I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. My brain controls my body, and it’s making me avoid you. I suppose that’s a smart decision, seeing as I don’t want to get hurt again. But my heart longs for you. It’s a vicious battle. I’m sort of hiding, but hoping that you’ll find me. It’s okay if you don’t..
Getting hurt. Yes, one of my biggest fears. It’s occurred over and over again. I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. The impact is just as great. I would risk this shot for you though. Go through some pain. Struggle through the thickest. As long as you’re mine, and I’m yours. Would you take that shot for me, too?
Yes. This means I will hurt you. I hope you keep in mind that I never mean to, though. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. Some worse than others. But it will never be my intent. I can promise you that.
I just wonder if you even care anymore. I wonder what goes on in that mind of yours.
Hello to whoever’s reading this.
I’m going to remain anonymous. Yes, I am a real person, and yes, these are my own posts. It’s not necessary for people to know who I am just for me to blog, right? These feelings are so secret, I fear that some may laugh at me. I’m just that afraid; I do care about what people think of me. They’d laugh because they wouldn’t understand. I will never reveal myself. The most I will say is that I’m just someone who needs a getaway, where I can be my overly dramatic self. Since this is only a place to vent, I do not care for followers, nor will I follow anyone. Sorry. You’re welcome to hit that button though, if for some reason my posts happen to intrigue you.
But hi, Tumblr. First post!
